Are you strong enough to be Emotional?
Yesterday, I was watching a movie where there is a conversation between Saira and Hridaan, both of whom have lost a close family member in a road accident. In the movie, Hridaan is non expressive, undemonstrative, and doesn’t seem too affected by the loss. Saira, on the other hand, sheds a tear or two, but then she turns around and tells Hridaan “I should be ‘strong’ like you and not some ‘weak’ person to shed tears”.
This dialogue was extremely disturbing for me. It made me question as to how in our popular culture, as well as in our everyday conversations and beliefs, we have started associating anything to do with emotions or expression of emotions with weakness. So much so, that we are mastering the art of masking and hiding our emotions in order to appear strong (to ourselves, and to others), and to be ‘practical’ in everything.
Cultural averseness towards emotions
Over centuries, there is cultural averseness that has been ingrained in us towards emotions. We are taught as children to be ashamed of any emotions that we feel, and that it is unacceptable to carry emotions. Young boys are often told ‘Boys don’t cry’, or that ‘Be strong, be a man’. The idea of masculinity has traditionally gotten associated with being non expressive or stoic, with the idea that it is a weakness to show any emotion. Boys who cry are teased for being ‘sissy’. On the other hand young girls have been traditionally taught to not express emotions such as anger, since that did not fit in the traditional definition of femininity, which required women to be more submissive and passive. In addition to that, in the current times, girls are also being taught to be ‘strong’ and are made to feel ashamed for crying. So, both men and women constantly have to fight with their own selves to keep hiding their emotions, from others and from their own selves as well.
Emotions are an integral part of human beings
In reality, emotions are an integral and a very real part of how human beings are built. Emotions such a joy, sadness, anger, guilt, surprise, and disgust (Paul Ekman identified six basic emotions) have been classified as primary or basic emotions, meaning that they are a part of our instincts, they have an evolutionary basis to them, they are valuable for our survival, and hence, they are not going anywhere. So, Emotions are ‘real’ in all human beings, something that every human being on this planet carries. Yet we want to hide them, suppress them, bottle them, bury them, and push them away, and deny their presence, because we have built a belief that anyone who feels emotions is a weak person.
Negative impact of suppressing emotions
Many clients, friends, and people I know have told me that they don’t want to be emotional (which they correlate with weakness), but practical (which they correlate with being strong). I am not trying to say that being practical or being strong is wrong, but there is something wrong with the way we are defining practical and strong. We wrongly believe that being practical and strong means not feeling or masking emotions.
In fact, when we do not allow ourselves to accept and express emotions, the chances of an emotional outburst or a breakdown increases. We have to constantly engage in a fight in order to suppress those emotions, or constantly distract ourselves to run away from feeling them. In such a scenario, even if we want to keep focusing on resolving the practical problem, the emotional disturbance can keep coming in our way.
Strength lies in making space for emotions
So, strength does not lie in the absence of emotions, but rather in knowing and being aware of their presence. Strength lies in not being afraid of our emotions but acknowledging them.
When we acknowledge our emotions, that’s where we allow a space for acceptance of how we really feel in a particular situation, for acceptance of ourselves as human. That’s a space where we no longer fight with or run away from our own self. That’s the space where it becomes easier to look for solutions and resolve the practical problem at hand. Emotions and practicality go hand in hand.
To acknowledge and accept your emotions is the most practical step that you can take towards resolving problems! However, it may not be easy to get rid of the cultural beliefs about hiding emotions ingrained in us for ages, and it can become overwhelming at times. Be gentle with yourself in your journey of making space for emotions. You can also seek professional support to help you with acknowledgement, acceptance, and healthy expression of your emotions.
Next time someone asks you if you are strong, or emotional, you should say “I am strong enough to be emotional”.
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