Beyond Sacrifice and Selfish: Let’s talk Self-interest

Sometimes, what you want aligns beautifully with what your loved ones want. Then, there are these times when you make some tweaks to align with them. But then, there are times when none of the above listed options exist, it can either be what they want, or what you want. Time and again, you may face this conflicting question – “Shall I prioritise my loved ones’/others’ wishes over mine, or shall I give priority to what I want?” Who do you pick?

The act of selfishness

Selfishness, when defined as an excessive or exclusive concern with the self, and fulfilling one’s own needs at the expense of others, can be unhealthy. If one engages in behaviours that involve threatening, assaulting, manipulating, or exploiting others, just to meet one’s own needs, then that makes it difficult for others around to relate to that person. Such behavior will often lead to the person not being able to form healthy relationships or bonds, which can further lead to him/her feeling disturbed and isolated.

The glorification of sacrifice

Sacrifice is a concept that has been glorified in our minds. It has made us believe, deep down, that we are worthy if we sacrifice, if we put others’ needs before ours; if we put our parents, sister, brother, partner, in laws, child, family, friends, and loved ones, before we put ourselves.

Women, and men alike, have been subconsciously taught to put needs of others before theirs. Can we think of any lessons at school; or any conversation with an adult while growing up that said ‘take care of your needs’, or ‘think about self care’? While there have been so many teachings, at school as well as in popular culture, that tell us ‘the greatest care is when you sacrifice your own happiness for the sake of someone else’, ‘love is sacrifice’, so on, and so forth. These messages have been so predominant in our lives, that if we put our wants before others’ we often feel deep pangs of guilt.

You can’t pour from an empty cup

I’m not suggesting that what we’ve been taught is absolutely wrong and that one should only think about self. However, it is also true, that if you only think of what others want, and disregard what you want; it can lead to your needs remaining ‘unmet’ for long periods of time, and frustration building up in that process. Self-sacrifice as a concept may actually not be as sacrosanct or as healthy as we believe it to be. When your own needs are not met, you may feel drained, have less energy, and thus may complain more and feel resentment. It is bound impact your productivity and functioning in a negative way. Additionally, as the saying goes ‘You can’t pour from an empty cup’. If you feel depleted, you will really not have anything to give to others as well.

We, as a society, though, are conditioned to look at anything we do for ourselves as being selfish, and that being a character flaw in itself.

However, you are as important as other fellow human beings are. If they deserve care, so do you. If you deserve care, so do they. Thus it is important to take care of yourself as much as it is important to take care of others, if not more. That brings us to the idea of self interest, or self care.

Understanding self interest, or self care

Self interest is about taking care of your own needs, doing things for your own pleasure, joy, and happiness; but not intending to put anyone else down. It is about giving the same care to yourself that you would give to others. These could be simple acts of giving more time to what you like, engaging in something your find interesting, or simply taking time off. Practicing self care helps you keep your life in balance. When you are taking care of yourself, you have more energy and positivity, and you experience a fuller and happier version of yourself.

Now, coming back to the initial question- when there is a clear conflict between what you want versus what your loved ones want, what do you do?

Begin with acknowledging that it is not an easy call. Communicate to your loved ones about your want. Yes, you love them, but you also got to love and meet your own needs. Yes, you may feel guilty for not putting their needs first. Reach out for support if you find it too difficult to take a call. Remember that you also deserve the care that your loved ones deserve.

Additionally, when you take care of your own self, you are also more equipped and more energized to take care of others. In that sense ‘self-interest’ promotes ‘other-interest’ as well. It starts a beautiful cycle of self care leading to more care for others, further leading to more self care, and so on.

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